We are still figuring out the answer to this question and I am sure we will be for some time!
For the first couple of days, he was quite withdrawn as I mentioned but we could coax him into smiles and laughter. He didn't make a peep. He didn't cry. He didn't show much emotion at all. After a couple of days, he became a bit more vocal with us. He often will say something like "Dai?" (sounds like dye) and point to things, but Becky didn't think that meant anything in Cantonese. If anyone knows (Kath? Marlene?), I'd love to hear a possible interpretation of it. We thought perhaps it means "What is that?" As of Friday, he is also saying something that sounds like "a-may" very often. No clue what that means and we don't have any Cantonese speakers here to ask. He is now talking quite a bit to himself, as well as repeating words that we say to him. It's great to hear his little voice.
On Friday, we began to see more outward signs of sadness from Ren. I'm sure he was grieving before but he seemed to be holding so much in. Now, his sadness seems to come when he thinks he's been left alone, like when I was in a noisy washroom getting a towel to dry my hands and I couldn't get him to turn around to see that I was only two feet behind him. Although I was only out of sight in that public place for about 10 seconds (and I could see him the entire time), I returned to find him silently sobbing, his face in anguish. That's how he crys. It seems typical of a child from an orphanage that if they cry, they cry only to relieve their sorrow, not also to get someone's attention or help. The moment I pick him up, his face immediately transforms into a huge smile.
He is still doing that hitting thing with the wild smile but now we're certain it's NOT done in exuberance but rather, done deliberately. It always happens when he's apparently very happy when we're having a lot of fun together. I'll have to check my attachment books on this back home but it kind of seems like he's testing us or the boundaries we have for him. Thankfully, he's only hit Paul and me - not Claire. That's another reason why I think it's some sort of test for us.
It's obviously hard to tell what Ren's personality is truly like with all the changes he is going through right now, but our guess is that he's a pretty laid back guy. He seems to pretty much go with the flow. He seems to have an amazing attention span, as he can play with the same thing for a long time. He loves playing with blocks (a huge favourite of his, we think), books and cars. He likes to put things in and out of bags. He's pretty good at kicking a ball around. We think he could play independently for hours, which is another typical attribute of institionalized kids. We let him play independently for a short while sometimes if it seems like he needs some time alone, but we intrude into his little world often and then immerse ourselves in play when we think he is ready.
We think Ren may be a little bit sneaky. One of my favourite memories of adoption day is just after he woke up that day. I could see that he was awake, so I quietly went to his side. As soon as I drew near, he closed his eyes and pretended he was sleeping. When I withdrew, he opened his eyes and began to look around again. Again, I drew near and he closed his eyes. I could tell he needed time to process his surroundings but it was so cute that he was pretending to be asleep that I tried it a few times. The other day at dinner, his sneaky side came to light again when we saw his hand slowly creeping towards Paul's cutlery. As soon as we spoke to him, he withdrew his hand and as soon as it seemed like we weren't paying attention, there went his hand again towards Paul's cutlery. Claire even thought it was pretty funny.
Another cute moment came the other day when it was time to put shoes on again after I had changed his diaper. I had put new shoes on him that day and they were right there beside us. I couldn't believe it when he picked them up, took them over to the area where we had all our shoes, put them down and chose the pair of shoes he'd been wearing the days previous! His preference was obvious!
Right now, we think he is equally attached to Paul and I - no preference towards either. I'm pretty sure he knows we are somehow special now - not simply strangers - and he does seem to be trusting us to some extent but I think it'll be some time before he fully trusts us. Attachment will take time and effort, but we'll get there. In the meantime, he's a fun, sweet, cuddly, laid-back, entertaining, and engaging geezer. We really look forward to all of you back home meeting him.
Oh, I should also mention that Ren's health seems to be okay and we saw a good sign of improvement today. It'll be an ongoing issue but his medicine seems to be helping and we're getting a better idea of what is 'normal' for him. For our friends who have offered to move up medical appointments for us, we are actually seeing Dr. B. on the 10th (only a few days after we return home) so we're good on that front. Thank you so incredibly much for your offers to help!
7 comments:
We can't wait to find out more about Ren as well. I am sure he will become more comfortable and you will see him develop into who he is. Perhaps you will find out what some of his words mean. And how interesting that he is learning new words at the same time. He must be changing in front of your eyes. He sounds like such a character...
This is a wonderful post Monica. I can imagine this is all new for him and I can see that he is learning so many new things with you and Paul. It must have been difficult for him to truly attach with anyone if there were so many caregivers. I am glad he is now with his forever family and that he knows you and Paul are special. He is probably learning trust too, that is amazing.
Also glad to hear his medicine is working. It must just brighten your day to see him genuinely smile and be so happy. He sounds like a smart little geezer too, and so careful and neat and tidy if he's patient enough to take things out of bags and put them back in.
Neat pics of Beijing Zoo too. Thanks for sharing your time with us. Love Auntie Marlene & Uncle Geoff.
Great picture of Ren! What a challenging but wonderful time for all of you. The silent sobbing - nearly breaks your heart when they are in so much distress but try to quietly deal with it themselves. Happiness is he will learn you and Paul are forever loving arms to run to.
Cec
Ren sounds wonderful. It must be amazing getting to know him. His little sobs must break your heart. He also sounds like a little character, which is sure to bring more joy and laughter to your house. Thanks for the update!
What an amazing post. It's so wonderful to get a small glimpse into who he is. I guess your image of who he might be is already slipping away to be replaced by the real boy.
I had tears in my eyes thinking about what he must be going through when he thought he had been left alone. I think that feeling takes a long time to leave them. The meanest thing that our son thinks he can do to our daughter is to run out of the room and then tell her that she's alone. I guess for him that's the worst punishment you can give someone and that's after having been with us for a year. Guess it's not a bad thing that Ren's bed isn't up yet hey.
BTW, are you calling him Ren because that's what we are used to or is that what he prefers to be called? Is it pronounced like Hen?
I LOVE the picture of your little man! He is darling. It sounds like he is showing healthy signs of attachment.
Blessings to you,
Sarah
What a handsome little man Ren is. He is such a brave little guy and it's so sad to think of him sobbing softly to himself. Happily, he doesn't have to cry alone anymore now that he is part of your family, he'll know a love like never before.
He has quite the little personality by the sounds of things, or at least from what he's shown you so far. We can't wait to meet your lovable, sneaky Ren!
Post a Comment